3

no more fucking excuses

i have no money to spend on food so obviously i shouldn't be buying it every chance i get
i should be starving right now
i should be spending my money on rent and gas
it's ridiculous

my life is very different than it was just a few months ago... i'm single and enjoying it way too much, but i go out too often and end up eating anything at all.

i need order again and a schedule. it shouldn't be this hard to get it right, i've done this many times before.

i think i'm gonna try the lemonade diet again, just to have some kind of starting point that feels like i'm working towards a goal.

i need to eat the same exact thing every day. i need to know the exact number of calories. i need it to matter more than anything else in the world.

2

of course the moment i decide that i'm coming back by life goes to pieces...

1. got a job and have been working and going to class non stop with no free time
2. boyfriend and i of 3 years broke up
3. i'm so broke that i can't afford rent and have been trying to scavenge for extra money

it's been really difficult. the worst part is that i'm gaining weight.

i have no money for food, and yet... my mind is going into hibernation mode. it's telling me that ANY time i EVER get an opportunity to eat i MUST eat, for fear that i won't be able to eat later. which is absolutely ridiculous...
but i found a solution.

the dollar store.

it's not my favorite foods, it's not diet foods, it's cheap shit that keeps you alive. but now that i have something in my pantry, i can finally ration it and keep track of what's going on. the lack of control over my food has been killing me... that and the stress from everything else...

so i'm going to list what i have here for my own reference... a lot of the food i have right now is gifts from friends and whatever i could get at the dollar store, so it's nowhere near what i wish i had... but if anyone has any meal suggestions of how i could combine things or anything at all really, please comment!

bread (45 cal / slice)
cheese (35 cal / slice)
ramen noodles (380 cal / bag, 190 cal / serving)
frosted wheat cereal (190 cal / cup)
corn bran cereal (120 cal / cup)
chicken breast fillets (60 cal / fillet)
corn (210 cal / can, 60 cal / serving)
green beans (70 cal / can, 20 cal / serving)
au gratin instant potatoes (750 cal / box, 170 cal / serving)
instant oatmeal (130-170 cal / serving)
macaroni and cheese (1200 cal / box, 400 cal / serving)
fruit and grain bars (140 cal)
penne pasta (400 cal / cup)
herb butter pasta (440 cal / serving)

i also have some rice, so i've been thinking about mixing it with some veggies to bring to work everyday so that i don't buy vending machine foods or something off the dollar menu at mcdonalds. yeah, gross, i know...

i'm trying to plan the rest of my meals for the day and so far i've only had a grilled cheese sandwich (160). i also want to work out later maybe after a nap since i've been studying for my final all morning and last night...

aaaaand there's an end of finals party tonight, so if i only eat a little my tolerance will be lower and i'll be able to get drunk on less alcohol tonight! however, that runs the risk of easily overdrinking, which i've been doing a lot of lately to the point where i've been blacking out. bad, i know... but my memory's never been that good anyway. i guess i just need to be careful.

1

i'm back, i swear i'm back
i'm back for good, okay? i can't live with myself like this anymore
i need to be back where i was at 117 again

i don't even know how much i weigh right now, but i promise it's much more than where i left this blog...

i'm starting back at day one - today. i've had an extremely emotional day, lost in my own thoughts... hating the thoughts that would drag me into reality. but the control rests in the food i eat and the calories i consume.

NOW i have control again
NOW i can work on myself
NOW i'm back and i don't ever want to leave again...

b - 280
l - 0
d - 0
total: 280

6

yikes i haven't posted in 5 days...

this weekend wasn't very good (sister's bday) but i'm ready to get back on track. i need to go grocery shopping again because i don't know what i'll do without my diet pepsi and salad...

today someone called me skinny (: wow that was nice...

of course i shrugged it off and came home and glared at the fat no one else sees apparently.

it's midnight and i'm pretty tired for the first time at such an early hour. frequently i don't go to bed until 3am or so. but i'm hoping to get to sleep soon so i can wake up with a good amount of time before class and maybe even do my grocery shopping if i get up early enough.

if only my roommate would go to bed and stop making dinner at midnight. come on. midnight. i swear, for "trying to get in shape" she knows nothing about the way it works.

anywayy... here's my count for the day. it's pretty high because it was my boyfriend's only day back in town from touring and we went out to sushi. i did have the lowest-cal roll i could find though, so not too too bad...

b - 0

l - 690

d - 535

ex: -140

total: 845

5

i woke up so sick today and i have no idea how it happened...

i was sweating and hot but my room was a normal temperature. i threw off my covers but it didn't help and i eventually had to crawl to the floor and lay in a fetal position to cool down. but by the time i cooled down my sweat had cooled too and i was freezing cold... i went back in bed and the whole process began again - burning hot, freezing cold, all the while my stomach was upset and i felt so weak and just bad all over.

somehow i managed to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep and i just woke up around 2pm. i'm still not feeling well at all, but definitely better than before.

i really don't know what caused this and what i can do about it. i have class in a couple hours and i was actually planning on getting some errands done today, but that's not gonna happen. i'm not really hungry but i feel like maybe i should eat something just to get back to normal...?

nothing sounds very appetizing right now though...

4

yesterday was really good for restricting! I can't believe I did so well considering I was home all day! but it got really late and i wasn't tired at all and had a big day today so i thought i'd treat myself to some - nearly an entire bottle - wine (:

b - 0

l - 230

d - 253 (the wine)

total: 483

today wasn't as good, but i was super busy and needed the energy

b - 100

l - 190

d - 290

total: 580

still haven't been to the gym yet, i guess i'm still too lazy /: and i need to figure out my scale situation pretty soon...

other than that my life is uneventful. no one knows i'm dieting except a couple guy friends who think i'm joking about it (to put them off the trail! haha!) and no one has invited me out to lunch, so it's all good!

damn, this is easy. (finally)

3

so today marked the start of my beginning

i know how ridiculously late i am from the time most people begin ( the first of the year ) but today was the first day that my bf's away for a month

it was also my first day back to classes and on that end it was pretty uneventful

so i went grocery shopping and bought rice cakes, tuna, 45 cal/slice bread, diet soda, and prepackaged salads.

today i restricted quite a lot more than i have in a long time and in these late hours it's getting pretty tough. i had planned on going to the gym at my complex, but i had a meeting that ran really late and the gym closed. ): so i'm going to try to do a few floor exercises before bed.

also, my damn scale isn't working. it might need a new battery but it's not even that old!! can disuse cause it to die ? ? ugh it's really annoying. i'll just have to find reason to use the scale at the gym on campus or something goddamnit this is a serious issue haha

day one of my new start!

b - 0

l - 85

d - 210

total: 295