2

today i felt very sad and cried for no reason.

i was with my bf and he comforted me and cheered me up... but i still really don't know why i was feeling so down.

i'm using my calorie counter app again which is just the greatest thing ever. i still need to update my weight though... which i still don't know because i haven't been to my apartment in ages... ugh. i meant to go today but i got caught up in doing nothing, you know how it is.

i think i'm going to start logging my calories here every day again. it keeps me accountable and encouraged when i have a good day, so i think it's worth it. (but I do hate eating things that I don't have access to labels... ugh)

12-28

b - 0

l - 100

d - 530 (?)

total: 630 (?)

1

two meals + desserts

i know that christmas is one of those days that "doesn't count" but how many of those do i have?

tomorrow is holiday feast part three with more family and i'm counting down the hours until i'm free from it all ...

anyway, let me do some quick housekeeping:

1. thank you to everyone who left comments! it feels really awesome to know that you're still here! i'm finally back and i can be here for you too! (: it's going to take me a while to catch back up to speed on everyone's lives, but i promise i will do it! if you're so inclined, comment on this post and i'll check up on you! i don't want to leave anyone out in case i'm not following you for whatever reason!

2. a quick summary of my life at the moment for those interested:

- i'll be graduating next june but taking more classes afterward to fulfill my minor

- my boyfriend is the same one i had before i left this blog

- he'll be touring with a new band for the next three months across the country

- during the month of january i'll be making weekly trips with my mom to her hospital which is about four hours away from her house ( ugh fast food ... )

- i've put modeling on hold while i figure out this weight situation ...

- i'm unemployed and quickly burning through my savings (ouch)

i'm really ready to start dieting as soon as i can. i'm already researching diet pills and foods and workouts and gym clothes that i can spend any christmas money i have on. i'm excited about this. at 1am the morning after christmas i'm excited to finally get my shit together. today marks a new beginning, and the beginning will be awful as i make the transition back to disordered-type eating.

merry christmas and happy holidays to everyone! i wish you all the best and i'll see you on the other side!

I'm back.

I've thought about coming back many times, but at this moment I decided that I need to.

The past year I tried not counting calories. Since my first master cleanse all I've done is gained weight. I don't know how much I weigh right now, but one look in the mirror tells me that I'm further away from my ultimate goal than I have been in a very long time.

The month of december was absolutely insane for me - without going into detail I'll just say that my life was uprooted and I lived in a hotel for the past 20 days with very little money for food. I still have my apartment, so I'm not in dire straits (yet) or anything, but there was a medical thing going on with a family member and I was (and still am) their caretaker.

For the past month I've been eating nearly only fast food because I have had no time or thought for myself. I sacrificed a hell of a lot to help my family and it's been very stressful. I haven't been to a gym in at least two months and the holidays are just awful when it comes to dieting... If I had to guess what weight I am now, I would say about 140lbs. And it kills me to type that number. I hate that fucking number.

I have a lot to say and a lot to work on. So I'm back. I may end up deleting my past posts and start anew or just make a new blog... Not sure yet. But I'm here now and everything will be okay

it has to be