1

i'm back, i swear i'm back
i'm back for good, okay? i can't live with myself like this anymore
i need to be back where i was at 117 again

i don't even know how much i weigh right now, but i promise it's much more than where i left this blog...

i'm starting back at day one - today. i've had an extremely emotional day, lost in my own thoughts... hating the thoughts that would drag me into reality. but the control rests in the food i eat and the calories i consume.

NOW i have control again
NOW i can work on myself
NOW i'm back and i don't ever want to leave again...

b - 280
l - 0
d - 0
total: 280

6

yikes i haven't posted in 5 days...

this weekend wasn't very good (sister's bday) but i'm ready to get back on track. i need to go grocery shopping again because i don't know what i'll do without my diet pepsi and salad...

today someone called me skinny (: wow that was nice...

of course i shrugged it off and came home and glared at the fat no one else sees apparently.

it's midnight and i'm pretty tired for the first time at such an early hour. frequently i don't go to bed until 3am or so. but i'm hoping to get to sleep soon so i can wake up with a good amount of time before class and maybe even do my grocery shopping if i get up early enough.

if only my roommate would go to bed and stop making dinner at midnight. come on. midnight. i swear, for "trying to get in shape" she knows nothing about the way it works.

anywayy... here's my count for the day. it's pretty high because it was my boyfriend's only day back in town from touring and we went out to sushi. i did have the lowest-cal roll i could find though, so not too too bad...

b - 0

l - 690

d - 535

ex: -140

total: 845

5

i woke up so sick today and i have no idea how it happened...

i was sweating and hot but my room was a normal temperature. i threw off my covers but it didn't help and i eventually had to crawl to the floor and lay in a fetal position to cool down. but by the time i cooled down my sweat had cooled too and i was freezing cold... i went back in bed and the whole process began again - burning hot, freezing cold, all the while my stomach was upset and i felt so weak and just bad all over.

somehow i managed to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep and i just woke up around 2pm. i'm still not feeling well at all, but definitely better than before.

i really don't know what caused this and what i can do about it. i have class in a couple hours and i was actually planning on getting some errands done today, but that's not gonna happen. i'm not really hungry but i feel like maybe i should eat something just to get back to normal...?

nothing sounds very appetizing right now though...

4

yesterday was really good for restricting! I can't believe I did so well considering I was home all day! but it got really late and i wasn't tired at all and had a big day today so i thought i'd treat myself to some - nearly an entire bottle - wine (:

b - 0

l - 230

d - 253 (the wine)

total: 483

today wasn't as good, but i was super busy and needed the energy

b - 100

l - 190

d - 290

total: 580

still haven't been to the gym yet, i guess i'm still too lazy /: and i need to figure out my scale situation pretty soon...

other than that my life is uneventful. no one knows i'm dieting except a couple guy friends who think i'm joking about it (to put them off the trail! haha!) and no one has invited me out to lunch, so it's all good!

damn, this is easy. (finally)

3

so today marked the start of my beginning

i know how ridiculously late i am from the time most people begin ( the first of the year ) but today was the first day that my bf's away for a month

it was also my first day back to classes and on that end it was pretty uneventful

so i went grocery shopping and bought rice cakes, tuna, 45 cal/slice bread, diet soda, and prepackaged salads.

today i restricted quite a lot more than i have in a long time and in these late hours it's getting pretty tough. i had planned on going to the gym at my complex, but i had a meeting that ran really late and the gym closed. ): so i'm going to try to do a few floor exercises before bed.

also, my damn scale isn't working. it might need a new battery but it's not even that old!! can disuse cause it to die ? ? ugh it's really annoying. i'll just have to find reason to use the scale at the gym on campus or something goddamnit this is a serious issue haha

day one of my new start!

b - 0

l - 85

d - 210

total: 295

2

today i felt very sad and cried for no reason.

i was with my bf and he comforted me and cheered me up... but i still really don't know why i was feeling so down.

i'm using my calorie counter app again which is just the greatest thing ever. i still need to update my weight though... which i still don't know because i haven't been to my apartment in ages... ugh. i meant to go today but i got caught up in doing nothing, you know how it is.

i think i'm going to start logging my calories here every day again. it keeps me accountable and encouraged when i have a good day, so i think it's worth it. (but I do hate eating things that I don't have access to labels... ugh)

12-28

b - 0

l - 100

d - 530 (?)

total: 630 (?)

1

two meals + desserts

i know that christmas is one of those days that "doesn't count" but how many of those do i have?

tomorrow is holiday feast part three with more family and i'm counting down the hours until i'm free from it all ...

anyway, let me do some quick housekeeping:

1. thank you to everyone who left comments! it feels really awesome to know that you're still here! i'm finally back and i can be here for you too! (: it's going to take me a while to catch back up to speed on everyone's lives, but i promise i will do it! if you're so inclined, comment on this post and i'll check up on you! i don't want to leave anyone out in case i'm not following you for whatever reason!

2. a quick summary of my life at the moment for those interested:

- i'll be graduating next june but taking more classes afterward to fulfill my minor

- my boyfriend is the same one i had before i left this blog

- he'll be touring with a new band for the next three months across the country

- during the month of january i'll be making weekly trips with my mom to her hospital which is about four hours away from her house ( ugh fast food ... )

- i've put modeling on hold while i figure out this weight situation ...

- i'm unemployed and quickly burning through my savings (ouch)

i'm really ready to start dieting as soon as i can. i'm already researching diet pills and foods and workouts and gym clothes that i can spend any christmas money i have on. i'm excited about this. at 1am the morning after christmas i'm excited to finally get my shit together. today marks a new beginning, and the beginning will be awful as i make the transition back to disordered-type eating.

merry christmas and happy holidays to everyone! i wish you all the best and i'll see you on the other side!